twenty_ish's Datingish

Privacy in a relationship

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 19:03:39 GMT

A friend and I were talking the other day and the topic of privacy in a relationship came up. We started discussing the issue of sharing passwords. My friend has been in a relationship for over 2 years and knows all of her boyfriends passwords to his email, facebook, etc. Its not that she doesn't trust him, its just that they are open about everything. She has admitted to logging on to his Facebook and checking out his ex-girlfriends pages a few times but it hasn't gone beyond that. (And hey, I've done that too, just by sneakier means!)

So this got me thinking:

Where does one draw the line of privacy in a relationship? Personally, I wouldn't want my SO to know my passwords, not because I'm shady, but because thats a private aspect of my life. I recieve emails from my parents, my friends, prospective employers, etc, that don't have to do with him. And I barely delete my email so I have some rather telling emails from exes long ago that would just hurt him if he read them. I tell him the important aspects, and I think thats okay. He doesn't need to know every mundane message or email I recieve.

My friend, however, feels differently. She thinks its a stage of progression in a relationship, a new level of trust. She thinks that its a huge step if you can trust your SO with your passwords, not out of insecurity, but out of the pure fact that you don't want to hide anything from them.

Do you share your passwords with your SO? Would you get mad if you SO refused to give up their passwords? Where do you draw the line of privacy in a relationship?

Are we conditioned to be insecure?

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:22:25 GMT

My friend and I were talking the other night.She had called me extremely upset because her boyfriend of over a year was going to a bachelor party. Not just any old bachelor party, but one in Las Vegas! ( Re: The Hangover). She was feeling very insecure, untrusting and downright terrible at the thought of it. She said she literally felt ill at the thought of him being in Vegas, with his friends in that type of a situation. By that situation she meants excessive drinking, gambling, strip clubs, etc.

Now, I've had trouble with insecurity in the past so I understood how she felt. But then I began to think about her situation a bit more. Her boyfriend is one of the best guys I've ever met, he loves her truly and deeply. He'd never cheat on her, or do anything to hurt her. They have a very fulfiling and healthy relationship. Its not wrong for him to go to Vegas to support his best friend whose getting married. He's not even into strip clubs to begin with and has reassured her that he's only going because its one of the bachelor party events. He has no intention of getting a lap dance or anything of that sort. He is just going to hang out with his buddies.

The more I thought about this, I realized that to some extent, women are conditioned to be insecure, especially in situations such as these. Regardless how healthy of a relationship she has, her first thought was one of insecurity because of movies she's seen and stories being passed on. The fear of the unknown was the worst thing that could have happend to her. I've this seen in all aspects of our society from magazines to television. Its so hard to find a secure, confident woman at times.

I brought this up to my friend and she paused for a moment. Then, she started laughing and agreeed. She realized that she TRUSTS her boyfriend, regardless of the situation he's in. And she realized that shes got way more going for herself than a stripper! ( And thats why he's with her). She's feeling a lot better about the situation, but not 100%.I'm confident she'll get there by the time he leaves.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? Do you think that women are sometimes conditioned to feel insecure in relationships by society? How would you feel if your SO went to a strip club for a bachelor/bachelorette party?

Lucas.

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 13:58:59 GMT

Lucas was tall, lean and had a wonderful sense of style. He had dark curly hair that framed his face just right. He was intellegent, quirky, and very sure of himself. I loved his confidence.

I was fresh faced, barely a college grad, in a struggling long-term relationship. My boyfriend and I had been dating since high school and we were now realizing how different we had become.

Lucas and I became friends. Soon, we became very good friends. We'd spend hours talking and connecting. He made me laugh from the inside out. Deep inside, we both knew we wanted to be more than just friends. A few months into our friendship, I broke up with my long-term boyfriend.

3 days later, Lucas and I kissed. It was magical yet so ordinary. We were sitting in my grad- school dorm room, watching Dr. Phil, laughing at how corny some of the things he talked about were. I was leaning on him, as I usually did and just happened to look up. He was looking down at me, smiling. His eyes were a deep blue, and they were focused on me completely. And then, it just happened.

For the next year and half I was madly in love. We were madly in love. And it just wasn't love. It was a feeling I've never experienced. It was a complete connection to someone else. It wasn't superficial, or simply just lust. We understood each other. There was never any jealousy or trust issues ( believe me, I have lots of trust issues!), nor did we spend all our time together. We barely fought. We both were so appreciative of finding each other that some of the BS we had experienced in other relationships just melted away. We just had fun with each other and loved each other as best we could.

Lucas was my soul mate.

On this day, 5 years ago, Lucas passed away. He was in a terrible car accident and lost his life.

Its taken a long time to heal. There have been lots of ups and downs. This entire experience has taught me how to love, and love properly. Its taught me that love ( romantic or not) is to be cherished, and appreciated because you never know what can happen next. I'm thankful that Lucas and I had nothing lingering the day he passed. We had spent the morning laying in bed cuddling and laughing. I couldn't have asked for a better way to say good bye. But a part of me wishes I had known it was our last moment together.

Have any of you loved and lost? Have you ever experienced such a full connection with a SO?

I've never been the pretty girl.

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 15:08:24 GMT

I've been friends with Lilly* since middle school. Over the last decade, we have been through a lot together, especially when it came to self confidence and relationships. Now, I've always considered Lilly beautiful. She has a perfectly symmetrical face, toned body, and a personality to match. Unfortunately, she's had a harder time accepting herself. During middle school and most of high school, she considered herself too skinny and felt very bad about herself due to acne. She dated and had boyfriends but never felt too confident in her relationships. Over the years, they all ended for one reason or another but a general theme was apparent: the insecurity about herself.

Once Lilly entered college, however, she began to transform. She went on the pill and it gave her the slight curves and breasts she never had. She went on accutane for her acne and her skin was absolutely perfect by the end of treatment. She began to get a lot more attention, and she felt really good about her appearance. She dated quite a bit and finally settled into a realtionship. I was excited for this new relationship because it was the first I'd seen her start where she felt good about her looks.

Sadly, it didn't last long. Regardless of how beautiful Lilly is on the outside, she lacks confidence in herself. The years of self abuse are still apparent and every relationship she has suffers because of it. And now, it seems quite dichotomous, especially beacause she barely has a physical flaw. She claims this is the case because she has never been the pretty girl. And now that she is, its worse because the expectations of her are raised. She's supposed to be happy, and care free and just plain pretty. But that’s not her.

I know we all have insecurities about ourselves, but sometimes, you have to face them, accept them and move on. Its definitely challenging but its also necessary. I've told her this several times but I don't know what else to do or a better way to approach it.

Have you ever encountered a friend like this? Is it possible to ever help them or make them believe in themselves?

I deactivated my facebook...and I'm still alive.

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 16:03:27 GMT

After a breakup, I deactivated my facebook. I thought it would be hard to stay away, but I knew it would be even harder to fight the urge to stalk my ex on some level. The breakup was mutual, so de-friending wasn't necessary, I just didn't want to know about his future exploits/ flirtations. And plus, I felt that this website was simply exhausting me. I needed a break.

Fast forward a few weeks:

I've found that this was probably the best decision of my life. I have so much more time to myself, I'm actually keeping in touch with my friends through the phone, emailing and in person instead of through status updates and photo albums.Throughout the span of a week, I used to sometimes spend hours on facebook when bored, but now I'm working out, reading, and spending time painting. And theres a lot less distraction when it comes to getting school work done. It's such a wonderful feeling.

Have any of you deactivated your facebook accounts? How did it feel?

Don't waste my time

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:05:40 GMT

During my early twenties, I once dated a much older guy. We had lots of fun together and we clicked on many levels. He had an established career, had traveled the world, and knew what he wanted out of life. He was extremely romantic and charismatic. He would send me flowers when I was stressed out, would listen to what I had to say and loved to snuggle. Needless to say, I was completely smitten. And he was too. We began to date and made it "official" a month later.

I didn't realize it at the time, but age was one of the biggest problems in our relationship.He was approaching 30 and I was barely 23. During the course of the year we dated, he would say things like "Don't waste my time", "If you don't see this long term, just end it now", "I'm in it for the long haul and I hope you are too". At first, I thought it was sweet. I was so happy that he saw us being in a long- term relationship. But then, I began to feel the pressure. I was definitely not ready to get married and even if I was, I knew he wasn't the one. He made me feel guilty for simply enjoying our relationship and accepting it in the present moment. I enjoyed being around him and he helped me grow as a person tremendously. Was that such a terrible thing for me to do?

Unfortunately, his comments grew worse and I felt like I was stuck. I broke it off eventually. He declared that the year had been a "waste", that I had led him on for nothing. He claimed that I was selfish and too "young" to understand what an adult relationship was like. I was extremely hurt by this. Later on, I realized that he was on the marriage track. Even though we never formally spoke about marriage, his actions, comments and certainly his age showed it.

Is it wrong to date someone and simply enjoy their company for a while? Does age matter? Do you have to see yourself marrying the person you're currently in relationship with for it to be successful?

My boyfriend and I are at two different stages.

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 00:33:10 GMT

Let me begin by saying that I have been in a committed, fulfilling relationship for over a year. My guy and I are great together. When we first met, I was in graduate school, he was taking some classes to get into graduate school. We would study together, we would have many "study breaks", and we were on pace. We understood each other. Fast forward the next year: I finished my masters, got a full time job and he got into graduate school. We moved down south together and our lives are now somewhat different.

So for the past six months, I've been on the 8-5 and he's on the classes- study time- exams- papers-partying -sleep at odd hours- schedule. We barely have time to see each other like we used to and I feel that I'm not as understanding or accommodating to his routine now. I have to go to bed at a certain hour to be productive at work, and I can't stay up with him when he needs me to. And far worse, we are both completely new to the area and I haven't been able to make as many friends (its hard when you're not in school!) so I feel that I'm clinging on to him/ making him feel guilty for being a student. We've spoken about this before but nothing significant has come of it.

Are any of you on different schedules with your significant others? How do you deal and what, if any, compromises are there to be made?

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 00:06:09 GMT

The internal monologue of a 20-something...